“Welcome on-board flight 3795 to London Luton Airport! My name is Martha and I will be your flight attendant this evening. We at Eco-Airlines are proud to announce that we are the first airline to cut spending by over 50%, resulting in a more affordable flight for you our clients during these times of recession.
“If I could ask all our standing passengers who have not paid extra for a seat this evening to move forward a few steps, there is still at least two feet free up here!
“Your flight crew for this evening will now highlight some key safety features of this new aircraft, the Ecoflyer 757. Fortunately for you, the designers decided not to include emergency doors on this model, so you have no need to locate your nearest exit! Should there be an unforeseen landing, we shall disembark passengers in groups, beginning with those who purchased emergency landing bonus cards. Everyone else will have to wait until the end. Each sitting passenger has also been provided a single wet wipe, located underneath your seat, so should the aircraft be on fire during this time, you can refresh yourself while you wait.
“The toilet is at the front of the aircraft. Should you wish to use the restroom during the flight, feel free to purchase a token from any member of the crew. One five minute token costs only $39.56, and comes with one free sheet of toilet paper!
“We have provided one oxygen mask per row. I suggest you choose amongst you now who will get to use it. Should you wish to purchase your own personal mask, we have a limited supply available at only $79.99 each.
“Here at Eco-Airlines, your safety is our priority. Therefore we highly recommend that all seated passengers purchase a seatbelt, we will be coming down the aisles now. One seatbelt costs $25, or we are giving away two for just $49.90!
“Lifejackets are unavailable, as we at Eco-airlines have never heard of a successful water landing.
“Smoking is of course strictly prohibited, and I really don’t know why they are still making us say that!
“In a moment, cabin crew will be passing through the aisles with our very own lottery tickets. Purchase one of these “scratch cash” cards and you could win up to 9 million dollars! Yes folks, 9 million! These notes are legal tender in many countries outside America, perfect for your holiday spending! For those passengers who are feeling ‘cash strapped’ in these hard times, we invite you to speak to one of our loan officers, who will be able to assist you from the back of the cabin.
“In-flight entertainment will be provided by me and Sam, our other attendant. Our original program of re-enactments of Peruvian Llama Worship rituals has been replaced due to lack of space, by shadow puppets and thumb wars.
“Complimentary tap water will be served for the duration of the flight, and there is food available for purchase. We are pleased to offer you a wide choice this evening, Baxter’s Super Noodles in three exciting flavours, Jamaican Chicken, Spicy Beef and Thai Fish. For any vegetarians on board, we are happy to provide noodles without the flavour. Each meal comes with a complimentary rich tea biscuit, all for only $15.18! We take notes of any denomination, currency or condition but are unfortunately unable to provide change.
“I am currently working on overtime, so after the in-flight entertainment I shall be sleeping for the remainder of the flight. Feel free to write any comments or requests on your complimentary napkin and leave it with us on the way out.
“We would also like to draw your attention to the ‘Change the World’ envelopes, which we issued with your boarding pass. Any currency that you do not need for your final destination, we invite you to leave with us. Proceeds from this collection as well as that from our “Scratch Cash” cards go towards ensuring the high quality of service here at Eco-Airlines, so please, give generously!
“We are currently 17th in line for departure, so not long now everyone! Unfortunately, I am unable to tell you the estimated arrival time, but we are hoping to arrive sometime this week. Landing is not guaranteed. In the event that we do not take you to your destination today, we are offering a full refund to the first ten passengers. If you have a seat please use it now, if not hold onto a fellow seated passenger. Relax; enjoy your flight, and thank you for choosing Eco-Airlines!”