They didn’t let me outside again today. Bastards! I know they must miss me when I go to Nursery school but I think this is pretty out of order. One day, everything was normal. I get up in the morning, I let Her give me my “num nums” (she loves making those silly faces) and then as a treat He gets to choose my clothes. Sometimes if I have the energy we play a game where He chases me around and I take off the clothes as fast as he puts them on. It’s exhausting – but he loves it! Plus, it’s good to make sure He gets some exercise before I head out for the day.

I bring Her along for the trip to my school. She seems to enjoy it – she practically runs in the pushchair. (Although she does have a bit of a tick about looking at that funny bracelet with the circle on her wrist).

After a long day at nursery (I play HARD), its home again to the same old drill. I let Him have a turn doing my num nums, he gets such pleasure out of that silly “aeroplane” game (I KNOW it is just a spoonful of broccoli, but cheers man).

Then I read stories to Her. Well, I turn the pages but she says the words, it’s good for her to practice pointing out basic objects and telling me their names. Of course, I have already done this all day at nursery so I am pretty knackered but hey ho, I try and stay up as late as possible to keep them company and entertained. There are only so many stories I can handle, then I simply have to go to sleep.

Now, everything has changed! They seem to have mutinied. They must be stopping my colleagues at Nursery from contacting me. The whole thing is pretty desperate and unfair if you ask me. I mean, a toddler needs to play! I haven’t so much as set my eyes on a swing in weeks, I’m going to need therapy soon.

I simply can’t understand it. Have they developed agoraphobia? Were they jealous of my separate life at Nursery? Is it a preemptive wing clip before I flee the nest (it had been on my mind of late).

The strangest thing is, they don’t seem happy either. She paces up and down all day muttering about …. He can’t take his eyes off this odd black box he carries around wherever he goes. Given that you can watch quality shows like Peppa Pig on the bigger black thing I don’t know why he hasn’t put it in that smelly square sitting in the corner of the kitchen already. Maybe it is because it is too full with empty bottles?

Sometimes they both use their big black boxes and watch other Big people jumping around and shouting. They watch them and then do something very different at the same time. It looks like the highlight of their day so I do join in when I can bring myself too…the whole thing is rather soul-destroying if I’m honest.

Mostly however our days are spent with one of them just bashing their black box and making little black dots appear on the screen. Kind of like the cool gadget that Fun She bought me a while ago, where I draw lines on the grey square – but I actually produce masterpieces. I shouldn’t judge though; they do their best.

I take it in turns with them. Sometimes I take Him around the flat redecorating. Moving some toys here, sprinkling a dash of toilet paper across the couch. I have always had rather a good eye.

Then I switch over. It is important they both get equal stimulation and attention, otherwise they will just sit with their boxes for hours on end – it is quite astonishing.

During this strange period where they appear to have developed a total phobia of the outside world, I must stress the importance of routine. I make sure to remind them when my num nums are due (this can be as simple a single as lying on my back and doing a war cry for just fifteen minutes). In all my two years, they have yet to understand how utterly precious and crucial my sleep is. I am thus obliged to gently nudge them on a daily basis  them towards taking me for my Nap. For this I practice some simple steps such as decorating the wall with PlayDoh, or looking them firmly in the eye while I empty my juice onto the carpet.

Patience appears to be needed, but I must confess mine is running thin. Their needs appear to be never ending. In the precious moments where I can tear them away from their boxes, they insist on producing snacks (they are obsessed with vegetable sticks and simply cannot seem to understand my utter aversion). When they are not banging cupboards in the kitchen they charge around with bottles of water and juice. A slight OCD with hydration that I really think they should see someone about. Occasionally I try to help them out by emptying my glass to drag out this favorite task of theirs…but they don’t really get it.

I do hope this strange isolation ends soon. They may not be the most interesting or fun people I know (I must confess they would pretty low on the social sphere at nursery), but surely they must have some friends outside of these four walls?

Anyway, must keep my spirits up! I will keep training them and entertaining them. It will take a lot of effort but I must try and keep them off those addictive black boxes. I’ll encourage them to use them for for thought-provoking and enlightening programs like Pingu or Peppa Pig and less black and white lines that only seem to make them miserable.

Onwards and upwards! Meanwhile I shall continue keeping their spirits up by making the daily routine more challenging, and maintaining a strict exercise routine by leaving my toys in strategic positions around the house. A kind of obstacle course come calorie burner, I am quite proud of it!

I do hope to see these two leave the flat soon. The swings and slides of happy times past are beginning to blur in my memory. I wish to see them soon. For now, let the living room obstacle course recommence!